handling the truth
test the waters? i jump in deep with my eyes screwed shut.
when i feel unimportant in someone's life that i care about, i'll cut myself off even further. it's most definitely a cry for attention in the sorest way possible. the self-pity grows and becomes justified in my feeble mind as time passes, and i allow myself to ruminate over just how insensitive the other person is. maybe it is unfair, all these expectations that go unmet, but then again i am not even sure myself what i am expecting.
still, when it goes noticed, i brush off contact; upon apology, i vehemently deny feeling; i dismiss it all. you see, i just want more. the repetition, in my mind, is the only thing that shows the sincerity. i will hold on to the hand that reaches out to come back after it has been slapped away because then, you see, it has trumped me, seeing past what i say and discerning what i want. [and the fact that by this time i have grown so weak-minded that i can be convinced into thinking that i want something else is a story for another day]
of course, that is the happier option. in the cases where the person never notices, well, as the days go by, the truth is revealed, is it not? and then...well, now you know. but then again: now you know.
and, boy, does that sting.
this will be over too fast
i had a converation with my roommate for the first time today. prior to today, i had been quite gung-ho about the idea of rooming blind, but in talking to her, i just now realized the implications of living one year with a complete stranger. anyway, she seems pretty nice though our conversation was pretty awkward. i hope she's not actually a freak. i hope i'm not actually the freak.
reading: catch-22
listening: keith urban - these are the days
still dont know why i cried that night
34 days, and i've just realized that this is quite possibly my last whole month in michigan ever.
there is something missing in my life right now. i think it's time.
perhaps i should work less, but i feel like money is the only tangible evidence that i am doing something with my summer. and i dont want money to bind me to my parents like it did to my sisters.
perhaps i should do everything that i had ever wanted to do, but that would leave to waste maintaining what i was building in the meantime.
perhaps i should concentrate on what i already have, but that might leave me with regrets as well as the feeling that i'm beating a dead horse.
perhaps i should stop thinking about it, but that would mean continuing to live like this.
right. i guess i'll see you in december.
reading: the silver chair
listening: bob dylan - blowin' in the wind
seek and ye shall find
rather than choosing from the preexisting, i find myself fleeing once again to a new place.
i find this kind of symbolic, as many things are currently.
here, i explain myself...
why did i have so many blogs before? oh, because it is fun. it is the possibility of personae, the excitement of estrangement, and the sensation of solitude. in a nutshell, it is the freedom. the freedom that is a little selfish, but ever elusive and ever wanted. but it is no longer needed. in this form, at least.
why this new blog? well, because i am leaving it all behind. i am ready to start a new chapter of my life. it's hard to believe that i have kept my xanga throughout all my high school years. four years of blogging before that venue turned into such an ugly mix of myspace/facebook/ i don't know. besides, i keep on having these freaky porn sites track me down and solicit on my site. my lj has gone askew because of my silly 365 thing, and i can no longer write in it. lastly, i can't remember my other blogger username. oops.
why blog at all? i dont know. sometimes, i need to get things out. sometimes, i need to tell just one person one thing under the quelling guise of telling everyone. sometimes, it's true, the more public your life appears, the more you can keep private.
reading: the voyage of the dawn treader, the kite runner
listening: my parents leaving the house
