handling the truth
test the waters? i jump in deep with my eyes screwed shut.when i feel unimportant in someone's life that i care about, i'll cut myself off even further. it's most definitely a cry for attention in the sorest way possible. the self-pity grows and becomes justified in my feeble mind as time passes, and i allow myself to ruminate over just how insensitive the other person is. maybe it is unfair, all these expectations that go unmet, but then again i am not even sure myself what i am expecting.
still, when it goes noticed, i brush off contact; upon apology, i vehemently deny feeling; i dismiss it all. you see, i just want more. the repetition, in my mind, is the only thing that shows the sincerity. i will hold on to the hand that reaches out to come back after it has been slapped away because then, you see, it has trumped me, seeing past what i say and discerning what i want. [and the fact that by this time i have grown so weak-minded that i can be convinced into thinking that i want something else is a story for another day]
of course, that is the happier option. in the cases where the person never notices, well, as the days go by, the truth is revealed, is it not? and then...well, now you know. but then again: now you know.
and, boy, does that sting.
1 Comments:
i've been thinking about this for a while now--
i've noticed that whenever i feel like disappearing, it's really because i want to be pursued. i want to become invisible if only to see if there is anyone out there who will notice my absence and then seek me out. in other words, i want to feel needed. much like you. actually, probably much like any human being.
we've all been made with this desire be desired. to capture someone's attention and to hold it, to know that through all the uncertainties in life, we have at least one stable position in someone else's life (people other than immediate family, because we already know that we have their unconditional love, however hard it may be for them to express it). whether romantically or platonically or whatever other levels of relationships there may be.
but then the funny thing about most things is that there's always a link back to (up to?) the origin of all of this. *points up* i've realised that this desire i have to be desired must be what God feels towards me. you know, here i am, playing games with other people, playing with my own emotions and then faulting everyone but myself, wishing to be desired, to have some emotionally tangible proof that i have worth-- and there's God, on the other side of the fence, with arms wide open that seem to be saying, "desire Me. I put in you the desire to be desired because that's the only way you will know how much I desire you to desire Me."
what's the verse, psalm 37:4? "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."
a comment of email-size proportions. what a surprise. (=
ooh, and hey. since when do i have a blogger display name? i don't think i have a blogger. hmm hmm.
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