will you bring the iron?
i can only hope that this crippling inactivity of physical cleaning and ferocious determination of relational purging is due to my imminent departure. it's hard to believe that in 9 days, my dreams of getting away will finally start to materialize.the question, of course, is whether or not in this instance i have been careful of what i have wished for. i would say that my excitement outweighs my anxiety three to one, but that's only when i conceptualize very vaguely. when i start thinking about being in my room with megan, what it will be like being in a 200 person lecture where my scores fall in the middle or left of the curve, making a whole new friend-set, exploring clubs i know nothing about, it makes me...well, it makes me think of multi culti, which wasn't that great for me, even though i had expected it to be wonderful.
all too soon, exclusive friendship circles were established, leaving the dregs to cling to one another; there was a general murmur about some activity or other to be attending that no one really wanted to go to, empty and awkward moments, and boring lectures that came along as often as interesting ones.
well, what if college is not all it's cracked up to be.
i don't know if it's the normal rites of thought, but worries for the future turn into regrets for the past for me. going to goodbye parties, i have become depressed, which is totally unexpected. it was very cut and clear to me a couple of months ago the handful of relationships i would sustain. but now i see these fun, interesting, and charming people for possibly the last time, and i wonder what would have happened if i had made an effort to expand myself instead of just being comfortable with a select few. the age-old either-or crops up: a couple of very close friends or a multitude of acquaintance? and then...is it possible to have the best of both?
when it's written so black and white, its very simple. i would rather take the few friends. i should stop making myself crazy. good-bye parties are a farce: there is no need for an elaborate farewell between strangers, and friends will stay friends. same logic, with different result, applies as the college anxiety. the general idea of having a plethora of relationships is attractive, but then, i seek intimacy. i am much too high maintenance for people who do not become great friends.
as for having many close friends: well, close is a comparative term, is it not? thus, to have closeness, one must also have the distance. that, coupled with the problem of life simply being too short, and my answer is no.
other than that, this is what i learned from 24 today: if plan a does not work, you should have a plan b. not plan a recycled.
listening: my fair lady -- show me
reading: blink
4 Comments:
on the topic of friends, my link is the only broken one on your list. anyhow, i do believe your overthinking of something so menial is ridiculous. there arent any right or wrong decisions; people just choose something and stick with it. in that sense, there is no hypocrisy or regrets and such.
i cant believe that you are telling me that i am overthinking something ridiculous.
you move on, you change, and you might lose contact. so what if in the end, everyone ends up just being an acquaintance anyways? would you still be glad you had a few close friends?
this took me awhile to answer.
definitely.
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