what has been perceived or comprehended

i can't help but think that writing about life in some ways substantiates it. it's almost an accountability or an assurance that some sort of tangible product is being molded out of the petty thoughts, conversations, and games. i'm not sure how accurate my accounts are, but, as i have learned, sometimes lies are more reliable than the truth.

i have piles upon piles of old diaries that i am tempted to throw out everytime i clean my room. but i always stash them in a new place. occasionally, i'll read a single entry and shudder at my naivete. i think that's a bad sign. still, they exist and something causes pause to my forsaking them. it is strange. in some instances, i dont recognize myself. the situation. the change that has occurred baffles me.



5 june 2003 11.28 am in bio
life is...hm...well i've come to the conclusion that it is meaningless without God. it just...well take today for instance. yesterday, i was in a mad scramble to study for my bio quizzes and my german final and now i'm sitting in bio & thinking "well, it's all over now and what was that for?" i've been reading 1 john lately and it talk sabout loving the world -- well, rather, not loving the world. and it's just so true. we're always in a mad rush-- like that slow dance poem shannon was talking about. 1/2 the fun is getting there. But i just feel like-- my tests are over & i just don't care anymore. about what else is to come, you know? i am just sitting here writing, not studying. i have my Bible in my bag. perhaps i coudl read that. just found out i got a 16/20 on the quiz. and yet...my grade's a 97% it's not going to effect my grade that uch. see-- it's so futile. yet i'm still concerned about this final. ack...it's this asian upbringing that has been instilled inside me. ahh w/e whocares.

interesting. as one who observed freshman at work at sciobio yesterday, i remember coming back thinking...wow. i can't even articulate what i was thinking. high school is SUCH a BAD preparation for college/the world. it really didn't matter. even grades, past a certain point, are...stupid. i guess i went into high school with my priorities straighter than i realized and then somewhere along the way they got scrambled. it makes me sad to see how much i talk about the actual schoolwork i was doing and how i didn't become friends with people until junior year. except for this one, which didnt turn out that great either...


2 jan 2004 -

...anyway, i wanted to talk to him because this would be our two year anniversary of whatever. we aren't exactly best friends anymore. but interestingly enough, he wrote me a poem which he hasn't done for a long time, because it just didn't seem 'natural' or whatever to him. here's poetry:

"seven hundred thirty days ago
how was i supposed to know
what would come of this all?
what things would rise and fall?
even through tears aplenty,
hindsight is twenty twenty.

and the pain invaded
the pleasure evaded
pleasure unfelt--
pleasure undealt
what is there to feel
but the cold of a steel
heart
torn apart
by sick, rotten warmness.

how's THAT for poetry? it is the culmination of feelings past. feelings future?
dunno. foresight is as blind as a bat?
rhyming is contagious. ain't it outrageous?
good nite and farewell. i will find you tomorrow.
timo, your friend
Grace, you are my friend."

then as 2004 continues, it turns out into a straight out documentation. literally a list of what i do every day without any commentary/thoughts. probably on account of xanga. hmm...how perplexing. i have more to think about this but wayne is on his way over.

currently reading: ender's game

posted by gph @ 2:31 PM 0 Comments

twelve point five percent of the best years of your life

she crafted her words gently, so her judgment snuck out through the wriggle of her finger. except it wasnt so much an innocent lopping as it was a steady jab. your nose definitely looks like it has been disturbed, she said, thrusting her finger into an imaginary nostril. that is probably what is causing the bloody noses. maybe the cold weather is irritating it. it just isnt getting enough time to heal. so pay sixty four dollars. (or stop picking your nose.)

what.

listening: megan talking to her love interest on AIM. with sound.

posted by gph @ 12:47 AM 4 Comments

losing my voice

i have been feeling at a loss for words for a while now. it's very frustrating having thoughts flutter in your mind, out of reach. it's like grasping at air, inheriting the wind.

in any case, i'm sore from coughing.

listening: third day - who i am

posted by gph @ 3:55 PM 1 Comments